Jokes
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Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one. Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake. Age is a relative thing. All my relatives keep reminding me…
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I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, “Wii.” Q. Why can’t you run through a campground? A. You can only ran, because it’s past tents. (Credit: @punnstagram) Q. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A. A hippo is really heavy, and…
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person. Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her…
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Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? A: She couldn’t find the “10” button. Q: Why was six scared of seven? A: Because seven “ate” nine. Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump. In a Catholic school…
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The height of bad luck… Your battery is at 2% and you see your boss upload pictures of himself and his family… Wanting to impress him, you quickly comment “cool pics” but auto correct changes it to “cool pigs”… Just as your battery runs out.
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A man arrives at the repair shop to pick-up his watch. Clerk: “I haven’t finished repairing it yet. just give me a few more minutes. Man: “Sure, no problem.” The man goes and stands right next to the clerk, who notices him but continues working. After a while, he can’t take it anymore. Clerk: “Why are you sticking so…
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A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?” He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.” Punctuality isn’t a quality of people who have too much time on their hands; it is the most…
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Teacher: “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.” One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: “Who just threw that?” Boy: “Me, and now I’m going home.”
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At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. “But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied. “Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc,” said his father. “Okay,” the boy said. “Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies…
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“Our topic for today is photosynthesis,” began the professor. She looks at the class, points to John and asks, “What is photosynthesis?” John replies, “Photosynthesis is our topic today!”
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Johnny’s mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Johnny, who’s just five years old, “There, there. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t know that it hurts.” Mom was barely out of the room…
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A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend’s house. The host deftly carved the turkey and said, “I’d make a pretty good surgeon, don’t you think?” The surgeon replied, “Anybody can take it apart. Let’s see you put it back together again.”
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Li, a boy from the countryside who just arrived the city for a few weeks holiday, loves it when neighbors celebrate birthdays and share cakes. The country boy got to attend few of those events with his uncle, and observed that all celebrants bear the same name Tuyu. Surprised and thrilled with his new finding,…
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