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First things first: It’s very important to remember that this person you’re having sex with is a PERSON. This might seem strange because hi, yeah, of course they’re a person.

But bisexual relationship therapist Veronica Price says that when you’re wrapped up in this notion of, I want to have lesbian sex, some people forget there’s a human on the other side of their desires, which can be harmful for everyone involved (even if you don’t mean for it to be).

When you’re hyper-focused on trying out a new kind of sexual experience, you run the risk of reducing that experience to “a fantasy about how you have sex, not who you have sex with,” Price explains. “Curiosity about sex with a woman is more about exploring your sexuality, not exploring a fantasy.” So remember: Be kind, respectful, and honest with this person. (More on that later!)

Get Familiar With Female Anatomy

If you’re getting down and dirty in Lesbian Town for the first time, things are probably going to look different from what you’re used to. This might seem obvious, but Price says it’s definitely good to consider before you dive below. Even if you and your partner both have vulvas and vaginas, that does not mean you’re gonna be twinsies down there.

Price notes that for most of us vagina-havers, our own vulvas basically serve as a personal “blueprint” for what that part of the body looks like. Of course, like all parts of all bodies, vulvas come in all shapes, sizes, colors, etc. And while all of this diversity is completely normal, “it can be a little shocking to see [another] one up close and personal” if you haven’t been exposed to a wide range of AFAB genitals beyond your own, says Price. Make sure you go in prepared to encounter the unexpected (and be cool about it!).

If you’re feeling nervous about putting your face directly into another femme’s bits, it may be worth checking out sex-positive IG and TikTok accounts, like The Vulva Gallery, that share art focused on vulva diversity. There are so many different vulvas and vaginas out there and every single one is unique and beautiful.

Understand How Pleasure Operates, and Communicate With Your Partner

Get to know how the body responds to pleasure and arousal. The sexual response cycle refers to the stages of pleasure that lead to orgasm. These stages are non-linear, but are often referred to as desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Essentially, this boils down to what your body does when it experiences sexual pleasure. Understanding this can be hugely helpful in being a good lover.

Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, suggests considering what your response cycle looks like so you can harness it. “From excitement to resolution, what’s all the fun stuff in between?” she recommends asking yourself. “What excites you? What do you like to do during foreplay, during the plateau phase? How do you build pleasure up in your own body during self-pleasure?” When we can get really clear about what works for us and our partners, sex gets a whole lot better.

Do Your Homework

Learn your stuff, too. Sex is a learned behavior and being good at it is a skill. Sure, there is always a lot of learning to do with new partners—no matter your experience level—but doing some basic prep-work can both enhance your ability to give pleasure and boost your confidence.

“Take a workshop, read an article, hire a sex educator, or watch some helpful videos on anatomy, erogenous zones, and pleasure hot spots,” adds Linnea Marie, a board-certified sex educator.

Figure Out What You Want From This Relationship

Is this a casual thing? A one-night stand? Or does this have long-term relationship potential? We don’t mean you have to be exclusive on the first date, but Price says defining the relationship goes hand-in-hand with consent.

“If you’ve exclusively had sex with men, you’re probably familiar with how heartbreaking it can be to start sleeping with someone you like, only to find out it’s just sex for them,” she says. “Don’t be the person using a woman for sex.” While Price notes it’s absolutely okay to have a casual, just-sex relationship with a woman, make sure you’re both on the same page about what your situation is and isn’t. Like we said before: Your partner is a person. Make your intentions clear from the start so there isn’t any confusion.

Discuss Boundaries and Consent

Communication around sex is also essential. Before things get started, you should absolutely initiate a sex talk with your partner. Discuss your experience levels (so each person knows what to expect from the other) and dive into boundaries, hard limits, and interests.

Here are some prompts to get you started:

• What are you most looking forward to?
• Is there anything you’re uncomfortable trying at this point?
• Are you comfortable with fingering?
• Are you comfortable with oral sex?
• How about any anal play?
• Would you feel comfortable if we incorporated toys for the clitoris? What about a strap-on?

Your first-time lesbian sex experience maybe isn’t the time to dive immediately into some BDSM sex, but even if you’re not planning on getting super kinky, don’t be afraid to establish a safe word (like “pineapple” or “red”) that you can use if anything is getting to be too much or you start feeling uncomfortable. These safe words will ensure nothing goes past your comfort level.

Enthusiastic consent is a must, but Harlich says this might not be second nature for women who have only been with men. “In heterosexual dynamics, it is often assumed men should be getting consent since they tend to be socialized to initiate sex more frequently (those assumptions need to be checked too!),” she explains. Actively check in with your partner to make sure the pressure is right, everything feels good, and they’re comfortable.

Communication also means practicing dirty talk. Luckily, learning how to ask for consent and being vocal during lesbian sex is easy, because you have yourself to practice on, Harlich notes. “Start by exploring yourself through masturbation so you also know what touch and language you like for yourself,” she suggests. “Ask your partner how they would like to be touched and what names they’d like you to call their body parts.” If you’re feeling stuck, Harlich says simply describing what you’re doing can be v hot. (Something as simple as, “Going down on you turns me on so much,” can do the trick.)