MEZIESBLOG

Many of us have been there. We have told people things like, “It just did not work out, we weren’t aligned, we wanted different things, it was the wrong time,” knowing deep down tht the truth was that we pushed the person we once loved away with self-sabotaging behavior. 

It’s a story of self-sabotaging relationship patterns that many of us desperately want to escape.

A big influencer of self-sabotaging behavior in relationships is our relationship attachment style. 

In their book “Attached,” Amir Levine, M.D and Rachel S.F Heller.M.A. explains the differences between secure, anxious, and avoidant relationship attachment styles and provides some clarity on why some people self-sabotage in relationships.

Our relationship attachment style is our brain’s blueprint wiring for how we behave, act, and think, both in times of joy and stress. It is often set in the early years of our childhood. However, depending on life experiences and choices, our attachment styles can change in adulthood.

Roughly 50% of people have a secure attachment style. People with secure attachments don’t tend to engage in self-destructive behavior in relationships as often. This is because they have a more innate sense of comfort, clarity, and ease with their emotions.

What about the other 50%, I hear you ask. Well, you may have guessed that half of our population has either an anxious or avoidant attachment style.

Having an anxious or avoidant attachment style often increases the chances of self-sabotaging thoughts. This is because someone with an anxious attachment style can quite often slip into irrational thinking, mistrust,and  jealousy at times as they unconsciously don’t feel they have enough information to feel safe. 

Someone with an avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, may have an unconscious fear of intimacy, and so will find themselves in self-sabotaging relationship patterns. 

Beyond our attachment styles, past traumas have a huge impact on how we relate.

Cambridge Journal of Relationships Research found that negative past experiences could cause low self-esteem and feeling afraid of being hurt or rejected.

Trauma can cause people to start self-sabotaging thoughts and self-destructive behavior. 

So, how to stop self-sabotaging in relationships despite these challenges?

Let’s start by going deeper into understanding what is self-sabotaging behavior on a practical level by reviewing some of the signs.