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Codependents often have a strong need to control not only themselves but also the people and situations around them. This need for control can stem from their struggles with low self-esteem, fear of rejection, and difficulty being assertive.

While it’s natural for everyone to desire some degree of control over their environment, in codependency, this need can become excessive and manifest in various ways, including:

Excessive Caretaking

Codependents often believe others are incapable of taking care of themselves. Therefore, they tend to take on the role of a caregiver or rescuer in relationships to control or manage the well-being of others, often at the expense of their own needs.

They may feel compelled to fix or save others from their problems or negative consequences, even when it’s not their responsibility. This is a way of exerting control over the outcome of situations.

In some cases, they may micromanage and control various aspects of their own and others’ lives, such as schedules, finances, or daily routines.

People-Pleasing

Codependents often engage in people-pleasing behaviors to gain a sense of control over how others perceive them. They go to great lengths to ensure they are seen as agreeable and accommodating.

Manipulation

Some codependents resort to manipulation or passive-aggressive tactics to influence the behavior or decisions of others.

They may overreact to situations or conflicts as a way to regain control or to create a sense of urgency. Or, in an effort to maintain control over their emotions and relationships, some codependents isolate themselves from others, as isolation feels like a way to control external influences.

How To Recover From Control Patterns

Recovery from such control patterns involves self-awareness, self-empowerment, and the development of healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

Here are steps to help you recover from control patterns:

Understand the Underlying Fears

Explore the underlying fears that drive your need for control.

For most codependents, their extreme need to control others often stems from a fear that others will abandon them.

In these cases, it can be helpful to identify if you have an anxious attachment style and how this might be contributing to your fears as this will enable you to take appropriate action.

Focus on Yourself

You must understand that you cannot control others and that you are not responsible for their choices and behaviors. Instead, work to cultivate self-love, acceptance, and compassion.

Embrace the idea that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you don’t have to control every aspect of your life to feel secure.

Practices such as breathing exercises, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, and time in nature can help you improve your self-regulation, stay present in the moment, and observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment.

Let Go of Fixing Others

Understand that you cannot control or fix other people’s lives or choices. Allow others to take responsibility for their own actions and face the consequences of their choices.

Learn assertiveness skills to communicate your needs, desires, and boundaries in a respectful, direct, and clear manner, and practice standing up for yourself without controlling others.