A phrase that some women use during intimate moments as a form of encouragement may have an unintended effect on some men, according to sex and relationship experts.

The three-word phrase is “Don’t stop, harder”, which experts say can sometimes increase performance anxiety rather than boost confidence.

Sex educator Gigi Engle and psychotherapist Alec Williams told Metro that although the words may be intended as positive feedback, some men can interpret them as pressure to perform better or continue for longer.

Why the Phrase Can Create Pressure

Engle explained that the problem is not necessarily the phrase itself, but the expectations that some men may attach to it.

“Where we run into a pitfall is assuming it’s really hot [to hear this], when for some, they’ll feel like they can’t cum too quickly or they’ll be a failure,” Gigi told Metro.

She added that a man who is already trying to perform at his maximum may interpret the request as an indication that his efforts are still not sufficient.

“Or they might be going as hard as they can and then feel like ‘okay, I guess I’m not good enough,’ so it can create performance pressure.”

According to the experts, this type of pressure can shift someone’s attention away from intimacy and toward concerns about whether they are meeting their partner’s expectations.

How Anxiety Can Affect Sexual Response

Williams said that performance concerns can become a cycle in which someone becomes increasingly focused on whether they are performing correctly.

“For many men, this can become a self-fulfilling cycle,” he said. “They focus so much on performance and ‘getting it right,’ they get stuck in their own head.”

He explained that this mental pressure can affect the body’s response, potentially making it harder for some men to maintain an erection or reach orgasm.

“Naturally, this can affect how their bodies respond, often leading to losing erections or being unable to orgasm, which creates more internal pressure for the next encounter.”

The experts therefore emphasise that sexual communication is not simply about saying what one wants but also about understanding how a partner may interpret those words.

The Timing of the Request Can Also Matter

Engle pointed to another possible situation in which the phrase could have an unintended effect.

“If they’re on the verge of ejaculating and you say ‘don’t stop, harder,’ they might just ejaculate, which can cause a shame spiral.”

The comment highlights how partners may have different interpretations of the same words. What one person intends as encouragement could be understood by the other as an instruction to increase intensity at precisely the wrong moment.

The experts also caution against pushing beyond what feels comfortable.

‘Harder’ Does Not Always Mean Faster

Another potential source of misunderstanding is the meaning of the word “harder”.

Engle explained that the word does not necessarily mean moving faster or using greater force.

“Firstly, harder doesn’t always mean faster; it can mean deeper thrusts that are really slow,” she said. “It doesn’t necessarily mean intense, vigorous jackhammering, and most people don’t like that anyway.”

She suggested that partners provide more context when communicating their preferences, because clearer instructions can reduce uncertainty and pressure.

“Your partner contextualizing what they’re saying can be really helpful in alleviating that pressure.”

The advice is not that the phrase should never be used. Rather, its effect can depend on the individuals involved and the way the words are understood.

Communication Remains Important

Williams said honest communication can help couples avoid misunderstandings and create a greater sense of comfort during intimacy.

“Having an open conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling during sex, and what would help you feel a greater sense of safety and connectedness could work,” he said.

The experts’ comments underline the broader importance of communication between sexual partners. Preferences can vary considerably, and a phrase that one person considers flattering or encouraging may create anxiety for another.

What Couples Can Take From the Advice

The phrase “Don’t stop, harder” is not inherently negative, and its effect will differ from one couple to another. The experts’ point is that sexual communication works best when partners understand what each other means and feel comfortable expressing their preferences.

For some people, direct encouragement may increase confidence. For others, particularly those already worried about performance, the same words may create additional pressure.

Clear communication can help partners distinguish between what is intended as encouragement and what might inadvertently sound like a demand for greater performance.

Ultimately, the experts recommend focusing on mutual comfort and communication rather than treating intimacy as a test of performance.