“Dear Brazil, Sorry We Visited, Took The Medals, And Pissed On You.” Ryan Lochte.

Ryan Lochte and his three gangster buddies must have buried their heads in shame even with Olympic medals in hand, after their alleged robbery at gunpoint claim was made public and proven a lie. 

Reports confirm that the US swimmers vandalized a gas station, yet claimed they were victims of violence from a country whose image had already been smeared.

Image: Ryan Lochte

As the 2016 Olympic Games have come to a memorable end, here’s a satirical letter from Ryan Lochte, written by The Daily Caller’s Scoop Delacroix.

Hey Brazil,

It’s your boy, Ryan Lochte, Olympic mother-fucking Champ. My publicist told me after losing my Speedo endorsement I had to write this dumb ass apology letter, so here it goes:

I am sorry.

I’m sorry I came to your crime-ridden country, took gold in your feces-ridden pool and helped make Brazil interesting for something other than shrunken baby heads and murder.

I’m sorry I pissed on your shitty bathroom floor, because, let’s be honest, statistically speaking, it was probably shitty.

I’m sorry I broke that crap gas station’s door, which was probably built just as shoddily as those ratchet “apartments” you had Team USA stay in. Next time, make sure those closets have enough room for us to put our 121 collective medals in.

I’m sorry your cops are so monumentally corrupt that I could make up a completely bullshit story on the spot and convince the whole world of it. Hope they enjoy those Dollar Store badges, ’cause they are the closest thing they will come to getting a medal like yours truly. 

Anyway, I gotta roll. Me and Phelpsy are gonna finish blazing this sweet dimebag of dank kush while remembering how we ran train on the swampy backwater you call a country.

Can’t #LochteMeUp!

Later fools,

Ryan Lochte, Champion.

Image: Ryan Lochte