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Self-esteem refers to how you perceive and value yourself. 

Low self-esteem is characterized by having a generally negative view of oneself. People with low self-esteem tend to have a diminished sense of self-worth and may struggle with self-acceptance.

Low self-esteem is a core feature of codependency and can manifest in various ways within codependent relationships and behaviors.

Excessive Self-Judgement

Individuals with low self-esteem often have a pessimistic and critical view of themselves. They focus on their perceived flaws and shortcomings while minimizing their positive qualities.

They often engage in harsh self-criticism and have a negative inner dialogue where they constantly judge and berate themselves for their perceived inadequacies.

They set unrealistically high standards for themselves and feel like failures if they don’t meet these standards.

At the same time, they are constantly comparing themselves to others, feeling inferior or inadequate in comparison.

Feeling Unlovable and Unworthy

Codependents often rely on external sources, such as the approval and validation of others, to feel a sense of self-worth. However, they also may struggle to accept compliments or positive feedback, often deflecting praise or downplaying their accomplishments.

Codependents often have difficulty accepting themselves for who they are, flaws and all. They may feel a constant need to change or “fix” themselves to be worthy of love and acceptance.

Difficulty Saying “No”

Low self-esteem can lead to a fear of rejection and a reluctance to assert one’s own needs and boundaries. Codependents may find it difficult to say “no” to others, even when it’s in their best interest.

Fear of Abandonment

Codependents may believe that they are not lovable or worthy of love, leading to clingy or dependent behavior. Low self-esteem is often linked to a fear of rejection and abandonment, so codependents are often hypersensitive to criticism and fear that others will reject them or find them unworthy.

How To Recover From Low Self-Esteem Patterns

Recognizing and addressing low self-esteem is crucial in the process of healing from codependency.

Building self-esteem involves changing negative thought patterns, practicing self-compassion, and working on self-acceptance. It also includes setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, asserting one’s needs, and reducing reliance on external validation.

Here is some advice to get you started:

Focus on the Positive

Practice self-love and respect every day. That can mean using daily affirmations (e.g., “I am good enough”), writing down what you are grateful for, what you have achieved, what you look forward to, etc.

Celebrate your successes, no matter how small, as they contribute to building self-esteem.

Work on identifying and challenging negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself, and replacing self-criticism with self-compassion and positive self-affirmations.

Seek Internal Validation

Internal validation means that you derive your sense of self-worth and self-acceptance from within, rather than relying on external sources, such as the opinions or approval of others.

When you seek validation from within, you become less vulnerable to the judgments, criticisms, and fluctuations in external validation.

Practice self-acceptance by embracing yourself, flaws and all. Understand that imperfections are a part of being human, and they do not diminish your worth.

Try engaging in activities and hobbies that promote personal growth and a sense of achievement as setting and achieving personal goals can boost self-esteem and internal validation.

Embrace Mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes, and they are an important part of growth.

Treat yourself with the same kindness and empathy you would offer to a friend. Understand that it’s okay to make mistakes and that imperfections are part of being human.

As Nelson Mandela said, “There is no failure, you either win or you learn”.